Baby Blues and Happy Days

Little Background History: I lived with my mom first the early years of my children’s lives.

         After having my first son I was living with my mom, and I went through postpartum depression also known as the baby blues. I had them bad. For the first year of his life my mom pretty much raised him. I was robot who slept most of the day after work and didn’t have much fun interaction with him. He knew our routine, I would get up, get him dressed, feed him, get dressed myself drop him off at daycare, go to work, either my mom, aunt, sister or I would pick him depending on my work schedule.  Once we were home he would head straight for my mom’s room and I would go to sleep in mine.

         I wasn’t tired from not getting enough rest. I was tired mentally and emotionally. I had dealt with all the emotions about being a single mom by keeping them to myself. If anyone asked I would play it off as much as possible and made it look like everything was all good. I grew up in the church world, no I am not bashing churches. It was the way I was raised, and certain things were expected of me. I hadn’t asked for the expectations or volunteered to be a role model to anyone. It was a position I was placed in. Anyway, my mother challenged the traditional way of looking at being a single mom in the church world at our church and since then it has changed and the judgmental outlook is not there.

         With, even knowing that I still dealt with my feelings, thoughts and emotions by internalizing them. Honestly, I have always had trouble expressing my feelings. I have gotten better over the years, but I can admit it’s a struggle at times depending on the subject for me to verbalize.  Dealing with insecurity of not feeling adequate enough to be a good mom or feeling like a complete slut for sleeping around.

Little more background: I was unsure of who the father of my son was, I was young and having fun like we all do.  I have a healthy libido so the girl was in them streets!.  I had two strong possibilities and the timing cut it supper close. According to my due date I was sure I knew which one it was. – that’s a story for different blog lol…

The man I was dealing with and truly believe was my son’s father had not taken the news well.  First he asked me to abort him, and then to keep him a secret because he was dating someone at the time, and his mother was going to kill him.

SN: he had been cheating on the said girlfriend for months and now that I was pregnant, she was the love of life. (rolling my eyes)

So I accepted full responsibility and keep it moving.

Lets fast forward… The Baby Blues are no joke, I felt horrible on the inside. I felt like a complete and total failure as a person and a mother. One morning I was headed to work and I kept right on driving. I figured that my boy would be good cause he had my mom and family support.  I just needed to keep driving until I ended up somewhere far away.  I had cash and I could find another job working.  So I drove.

My boss at the time called my mother asking where I was.  Co-workers, friends, church family and my own family had noticed something was wrong. I wasn’t acting my normal happy, funny self and it hadn’t gone noticed.

I can honestly say the it pays to have good friends and family at your back. They will be there when you need them or be a shield for you.  I had never heard of postpartum depression until I got pregnant. Even then I was told that it would pass and that if I need someone to talk to just let the doctor know. But because I didn’t seem to be struggling it was only mentioned in passing. Not sure how they thought I was doing well due the fact that I dressed like a bum for most of my pregnancy until the end.

 My mom helped me a lot with my son until I was able to get myself together.  I was able to deal with everything and get my mental back on track. I am not a perfect mom but I do my best to be a good mom.

Any king of depression is hard and very isolating. If at any time you are struggling do your best to find someone to talk you. It may surprise you that the one person who you thought wouldn’t care. Cares more than you thought. For those who don’t have someone, there are hotlines and programs that you can call that will help you.  There is so much help and information out now. There is no shame and there is always someone here for you.

You are not alone!

Playlist: Maybe by Alison Krauss

                Fear by Sarah Mclachlan

                I Almost Let Go & For Every Monutain by